Mention has been made in these past articles about how different attachment styles are formed in childhood, with the ideal being a secure attachment. According to attachment theory, secure attachment is formed during childhood when a child has a consistent caregiver who is responsive to their needs. This caregiver provides a safe and secure base for the child to explore the world from. Whatever attachment style we formed in childhood, it is still possible to move towards securely attached relationships as an adult.
Secure attachment in adults refers to a healthy emotional bond between two people that is trusting, has empathy and mutual support, with boundaries being able to be set without fear of a rift. Adults with secure attachment styles are comfortable with intimacy, have good self-esteem, and can form close relationships without fear of abandonment or rejection. They don’t mind their own company, but also enjoy socialising with others. They can regulate their emotions, open up to others and can communicate their needs effectively.
On the other hand, people with insecure attachment styles may struggle with forming healthy relationships as adults. For example, people with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles may be overly dependent on their partners and may struggle with jealousy and insecurity. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles may avoid intimacy altogether and may struggle with commitment. Finally, people with fearful-avoidant attachment styles may want intimacy but may be too afraid of rejection or abandonment to pursue it.
It is much nicer to be able to live securely attached rather than with any other style. If you are not quite ‘securely attached’ as yet, here are some tips on how to move towards a more securely attached relationship style:
• Learn about your attachment style: Understanding your attachment style can help you identify areas where you can make changes.
• Build self-esteem by acknowledging and focusing on your strengths and accomplishments. If anyone around you puts you down, disagree with them!
• Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding when things don’t go as planned. Give yourself permission to be imperfect, make some mistakes, not get everything done, and take time out to do things which put joy in your heart.
• Be assertive by expressing your thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way to other people. You can state your opinions in a conversation, as they are as valid and equal in value as any other person’s opinion.
• Identify and express your emotional needs by taking time to reflect on your emotions, and expressing them in a clear and respectful way. It is handy to write them down and practice before having any difficult conversations with another person.
• Set boundaries with people who are taking too much. It could be as simple as saying ‘no thanks.’
• If you have difficulty practicing any of the above perhaps you could seek therapy. A therapist can help you identify areas where you may need to improve and provide guidance on how to develop a more secure attachment style.
There are many free quizzes online to explore what your attachment style is, and this is a good place to start the process of secure attachments in adulthood. Please answer questions honestly to get an accurate evaluation. Good luck.
